Core Emotional Needs
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs suggests that our basic fundamental needs must be met in order for us to attend to higher-up needs. It’s hard to focus on things like self-confidence, creativity or values and purpose when we lack things like stable housing, a sense of safety, financial security or have enough food and water to survive. But just as we need basic physical needs to be met in order to thrive, we also have foundational emotional needs that must be met.
There are five fundamental childhood emotional needs crucial for healthy self-development. When these needs are left unmet for long periods of time, we may resort to unhealthy mechanisms to ensure they are met (because that’s how important they are!).
Consider, for example, a child who often feels neglected or criticised by their parent. This experience may drive them to seek validation and acceptance through unproductive or unsafe means. Similarly, a child raised by an anxious parent, constantly intervening to "solve" problems on behalf of their child, may miss vital opportunities to develop autonomy, resulting in a fear of taking risks or making mistakes in later life. Furthermore, a child exposed to a family environment where the expression of emotions was often in context of fighting and arguing (i.e. negative, explosive, unsafe), or emotions were not expressed or seen altogether might develop a tendency to avoid or suppress emotions later in life (due to it feeling unsafe or not having it modelled at all).
Prolonged neglect of these fundamental needs can also foster negative self-perceptions. For instance, a child lacking unconditional support and love from their caregiver might interpret these experiences as, “I’m unlovable” “I’m not worthy”, ultimately affecting how they feel about themselves and how they might behave in relationships. In therapy, we strive to validate and explore these (unmet) needs, how we might be going about our current lives in order to get our needs met (adaptive or maladaptive ways), and actively work to develop healthier, adaptive strategies to ensure our core needs are met.
As both a psychologist and a parent, I want to emphasise that it's not about ensuring you or your child's emotional needs are met 100% of the time. Nobody achieves perfect emotional fulfillment! Rather, it's about holding our needs in mind and doing the best you can to attend to them in a healthy and adaptive manner. Moreover, if you find that your own emotional needs are unmet and/or if you have developed unhealthy coping mechanisms, it’s about recognising that your emotional needs are just as important and making sure you have the right supports in place.
