Schema Spotlight #2

Do you often feel disappointed and let down in relationships?

Schemas, formed through life experiences, encompass a range of mental elements including feelings, sensations, memories, thoughts, and beliefs. These structures profoundly influence our perception of ourselves and others, guiding our decisions and actions in navigating the world.

Emotional Deprivation [ED]: another schema in the Disconnection/Rejection domain and one of the more common schemas that clients present with in therapy. Individuals with the ED schema hold the belief that one’s emotional needs will not/cannot be met by others. This could be about a deprivation of nurturance (i.e. a lack of warmth, affection), empathy (i.e. lack of understanding) or protection (i.e. lack of guidance and support).

Throughout formative years, individuals may have lacked exposure to an emotionally nurturing or affectionate familial environment; or it could be when they attempted to express their emotions or needs as a child, it was met with criticism or invalidation. As a result, they might cope by becoming overly self-reliant, minimising their emotional needs and avoid expressing them, or feel constant frustration and disappointment in relationships as they might preempt others to let them down.

A good analogy I heard is that individuals with ED schemas are more likely notice how people are missing the mark (i.e. they don’t understand me; they didn’t show up for me in the way that I needed; they weren’t there for me etc.) instead of noticing how they might actually be trying and somewhere in the ball park.

It’s important to remember that we are all imperfect beings trying our best. You might notice that some people around you are making genuine efforts to support you, even if they don’t get it perfectly right :)

Your emotional needs are valid and deserve to be met (albeit imperfectly)!